• Polly

How do you feel when you’re having sex?

Updated: Nov 20, 2020

I don’t mean physically (hopefully things are feeling good!), but in your head. It’s taken me a while to realise that people have very different emotional attachments to sex, and it’s a huge part of compatibility.

If one person is using it as an escape, and their partner is using it for connection, one of them is going to feel that there’s been something lacking, at best, or even that they’re being used.

The worst possible thing that can come out of a conversation about this is one person feeling like their attitude towards sex is wrong or unhealthy. There is no “right” way to have sex, but I think we can all agree that the best way to have sex is to make sure that everyone is happy and fulfilled, both during and at the end of it.

For me, sex is an amazing way to escape from the myriad thoughts that exhaust my brain on a daily basis. By being in the moment with another person (or two, or three…), I can stop thinking about what’s going on outside. I don’t need a romantic attraction to enjoy sex, but I do need a spark of understanding, an acknowledgement that we’re all in the room together, with a common lust.

Of course, for a lot of people, sex can be stressful. You’ll be worrying what you look like, stressing over realising you didn’t shave this morning, hoping they don’t get bored… But you know what? The other person is probably flicking through a mental rolodex of the exact same niggles. And you’d be the first one to tell them that they’re being daft, that you just want to be close with them, and everything on the surface is irrelevant.

The best thing you can do when it comes to healthy, happy sex is to talk about it, especially with reference to things you’ve done together before. I’m not talking about a blow-by-blow (no pun intended, seriously) debrief of your partner’s moves after each session, but a candid chat in a non-sexual environment. You’d be surprised how easy it is to talk objectively about what you want out of sex in a coffee shop, or secreted away in a cosy pub, with no chance of clothes coming off.

Asking your partner how they feel when they’re having sex - not necessarily with you, just in general - can be a really simple conversation-starter, and can be a great non-confrontational way to bring up any issues that you might be having. The onus is taken off physical performance (I hate that word in relation to sex) and becomes about making sure that each other feels safe and secure. And that’s the sexiest thing of all.


What do you think? Have you had a conversation like this with a partner? What was the outcome? Let me know by leaving a comment below, or pop me a message here!

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